Saturday, December 31, 2016

Confessions of an Internet addict !!!

So how long does a "writer's block" blocks your mind until your mind finally finds a way to escape? i have been trying so hard to write somethin' from the past months but i think there was some "locha" with my brain and heart as they were not workin' accordingly(like they are supposed to).

They say we leave this world just the way we came into it-  ALONE. So, if we do leave with nothing, what then is the measure of a life? Is it defined by the people we choose to love or who love us? Or is life simply measured by our accomplishments and achievements? Is it the places you have explored? Or the things you bought? Or is it just somethin' that is immaterial? We meet new people, we make new friends, sometimes we lose friends, and sometimes we get in touch with long lost friends, so this life is unpredictable. We say life is complicated but it's simple, sometimes we get to see the ugly side and sometimes it's beautiful. So what makes it beautiful is havin' by your side the people you love, but loneliness makes it ugly. 

 I have always been the kind of self-proclaimed independent person who doesn't need anyone. It has been 8 years or so since i joined the Internet. I used to feel free and confident about myself as i was fearless, happily livin' in my Harry Potter world. Nothin' or no one could ever affect me as i was livin' in a shell and nothin' could get through that. It takes great amount of courage, energy and time to build that and one cannot pass it just like that :P Not to brag or somethin' but i used to get a lot of attention online ;) and if you're a girl you'll get hit on by almost every guy you meet, online/offline, young/old and those who didn't hit on me became my very good friends. Luckily for me i became friends with common interests like tech-stuff, western music, hollywood movies, writers etc..and since i'm a very talkative person, i make friends easily. To be honest, there was a time in my life when i liked the attention but only thing that i didn't do was reciprocate back *pat on my back* (so proud of myself). Bein' into computers and stuff one gets stuck at times, so i thought my common interest friends would help me out, yes i am so mean that i make friends just so they can sort out my tech problems :P Anyhow with time passing by, you get so lost in the virtual world that you fail to see what you're missing out in the real world, your Family  and your Real Friends. I have been an Internet Addict and trust me when i say that the Virtual World is empty. It's unreal, overrated, time wasting and all you get from it is regrets, emptiness and sleepless nights. 
Sheldon and me are so much alike ;)

I had been feelin' very empty lately, lonely inside and i tried music, movies, stuff like that to keep myself busy but nothin' helped, it doesn't give you peace that you're lookin' for. You know i'm not really a religious person but if there is one thing that has given me inner peace is Islam. I have started covering my head and as opposed to some who say hijaab is a sign of oppression, it has given me peace, freedom and self confidence and i hope and pray that i continue doing it in Summer as well. Books help a lot, not those stupid romantic novels, books which help you find yourself, see life from a different perspective, Forty Rules of Love by Elif Shafak is one of those. I am currently reading this very good book "Reclaim Your Heart" by Yasmin Mogahed suggested by a righteous friend and it has helped me to understand a lot of things, as the name suggests "reclaim" your heart is about getting you heart back that has got lost in this materialistic world, let go of things that are not in your control. "Everything we get here is a gift of God, a gift to be kept in the hands not heart, only Allah belongs in the heart". This World is temporary and we keep looking for perfect things in this Duniya. However this duniya is designed to break our hearts so that we learn to depend upon our Creator than the creation. So people learn well and learn early, if there is one thing that is going to make you feel contended with this life is not to have expectations with this life, accept Allah's will, trust Him only and depend on Him only, talk to Him, He listens, cry to Him, tears are prayers too. Be good to people especially your parents, be thankful, be humble, and do good deeds for the sake of Allah, forgive people, be kind, everyone is fightin' a battle you know nothin' about. And towards the end i'd like to share somethin' from the book, think about it and work on it:
"This world cannot break you—unless you give it permission. And it cannot own you unless you hand it the keys—unless you give it your heart. And so, if you have handed those keys to dunya for a while—take them back. This isn’t the End. You don’t have to die here. Reclaim your heart and place it with its rightful owner: Allah


So what am i goin' to leave behind after i die is moments i spend with people and my writings, and this time, at the end of 2016 i'm not goin' to make any resolutions, but i'll strive and try to be a better daughter, sister, friend, a better person. also a better writer ;)
Always remember me in your prayers, they say the best and safest place to be is in someone's prayers.
 

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

2015 Ends with a good note !!!

Hey you my readers, how have been? I hope rocking and enjoying the lil' moments of life. Stay happy :) Can't believe it's been 2 years since I joined the banking job and may be one of the reason i wasn't able to share my thoughts(you know busy me ;) ). Now i finally got the some time to spare for my lovin' and always encouraging readers. I'm myself an avid reader and i really like to finish what i start even if at times it takes decades to get hold of a story and really get indulged into it.Like for instance i borrowed a book from my cousin long time back, when i was still a student, it's the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I started it but never finished, i do want to though, i really do but the thing is i don't get the motivation to. Although the book is great and i watched all the movies so many times but the thing is it's too thick. I even read "The Hobbit" which is like the prequel of the series in between, also i'm tryin to finish Dan Brown's "Deception Point" and "Inferno", i know i know one can't read too many books at a time, and apparently you can see why not. This kind of thing always happens with me, in my mind i create scenarios where i'm a responsible adult and i finish my work efficiently, on time not to mention creatively. But then reality strikes me down and here i am one lazy girl/woman about to do my last weeks chores. So the key point here is one should be actually motivated to do something, be it readin', cookin', writin' etc. let's just say whichever word has -ing in it except for sleepin'. Who doesn't love sleepin', if you ask me i can sleep for 24 hrs straight..

Anyway so i'm one of those people who would make resolutions and forget them as soon as the new year begins, hell i don't even follow it for a day, just for the sake of it. Right now my priority should be to prepare for the upcomin interview which would help me get an upgrade to my job profile. Tell you the truth, i'm not really good at formal talkin', though casually I can talk for hours, days, but that's me bein' friendly. I get really nervous when i have to think before i speak and make sure that the listener is impressed by my speech. To be precise when people say 'be yourself and be confident', i can be either, not both. I need to work on my communication skills but some people are born like that, it's in their nature, right? You know it happens in teenage that you figure this world is so phony and there's no one who understands you or what you're going through. The pressures, the over-thinking that destroys your mind, nobody gets it really, you feel irritated, frustrated and all you want is a lil' peace of mind. Well, i go through that phase sometimes, (teenage in adulthood), you may or may not relate 'cause i don't really talk about this stuff so i hardly know what other people think. Anyway, it makes me sad to see that all my life i stood fearlessly strong, independent, and happy-go-lucky and now negative thoughts cloudin' my mind are goin' to breakdown everythin' i build. Why does one become so emotionally weak that they need to lean on to someone to recover?
Anyway, two good things happen this year, one was an event that i was longin' for sometime now, where i had to act like a responsible adult. Bein' a responsible person is hard, it's a tiresome job, and people countin' on you adds to the pressure. Another good thing that happened was that i got transferred to a better place, i hope this place lasts a bit longer than previous ones. I never liked the previous ones, the reason for that is i didn't like my work there. Now the work is good and so are the people Alhamdulilah. See, one should always take in the positive things in life, even if most of them are not goin' your way. Who cares what happens next when everythin' is pre-written. Being said that, i end this post here with a good note, to keep writin' more frequently in 2016. :)

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Floods in Kashmir : a trauma for lifetime !!!

It was raining for a week now in the first week of September 2014. But that's normal as we Kashmiris weren't aware of the consequences that rain water could cause. We were enjoying the rain sitting at home with family as the rain hadn't stopped and the lanes were filled with rain water. After 7 days of continuous rainfall, rainbow showed. We were thrilled to see a ray of hope, clicked pictures but we didn't know what's coming is worse. The water level started to rise, first slow then more. The river Jehlum had begun rising continuously crossing all the past records on the gauge metre. The water in our lanes started rising too even though the rain had already stopped. It couldn't make sense at first but then we came to know that Jehlum had breached. As the water level entered our gates we couldn't stop thinking about what's next. We couldn't sleep whole night and the next day early morning I could see the horrible nightmare coming true. Our garden was flooded and so was our car, the water was just knocking at our door. My uncle, my sister and my cousin decided to leave the place. The water was still rising and I couldn't decide. How could you just leave everything behind. Was it the end of the world when you just want to save your life and forget about all the other materialistic things? My parents didn't leave but they made us go. The thought of not coming back to the place you call home or not seeing your parents again was heart wrenching. All I could do now was pray to Allah for their safety. As we were walking in the waist up flood water, all I could think of was first the water was very cold and why did I leave my parents behind, I'm such a coward. The water was rising and the situation was getting worse, there was no cellphone network. But atleast the landline worked, so we could call our parents back home to see how they are doing. Finally, they decided to leave and now I could have a sense of relief, also my sister would stop crying atleast. Some good boatman had rescued 'em and my uncle, aunt and cousin from the house nearby. The water level had now risen so high that boats were rowing on the airport road. I couldn't believe what i had been witnessing. I still thought it was a dream and someone would just pinch me and wake me up. We lived at my maasi's(maternal aunt) place for a week or so. Thankfully floods hadn't reached their side yet. Every other day we would hear heart wrenching news about people who were worst affected. After few days, the water level stopped rising and now it was receding. We went out with our uncle one evening and the view outside, it was really depressing as it didn't seem like Kashmir. So many people on the road, some taking shelter in the masjids, some gurdwaras, some on the flyover, some on the footpath, some in the marriage halls, some walking, some telling happy stories to their children trying to cheer them. Some places gave a chilling haunting creepy vibe. The floods took everything with it, lives of people, houses, materialistic things, happiness, peace, prosperity, progress. All it couldn't take away was the will to rise again from the ashes, the hope of a better tomorrow. In shaa Allah Kashmir will rise again. 4 months have passed and everything is slowly getting back to normal but the traces are there and the scars remain. The traumatic experience can't be erased and it'll always remind us that we and everthing we own belongs Allah SWT and He'll take it away anytime He wants.




Some clicks durin' the flood:
Just Rainwater
A ray of hope
 
Water at our doorstep


Water at our gate
Pre flood picture
A view from the top of a flood hit area

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Love v/s Arrange Marriage !!!

Growing to a certain age where all your friends start gettin' engaged or married, people start askin' you pointless questions that are irrelevant to 'em, though it would help in the matter of gossip. One such question is "When are you gettin' married?", to which i used to say "Not Now" and now i say with a smile "Soon Enough". My ideology hasn't changed but i thought may be if i change my answer, they'll stop askin'. And once your elder sibling or close friend gets engaged you are the next target and they keep pointin' out the but obvious situation like "You're next". I don't want to get married so soon, not just because everyone's gettin' married. I haven't even accomplished things that i always wanted to, like learn to play guitar, roller-skatin', ride my own scooty etc. etc. after that i'll get married someday to someone who is man enough to take that chance ;). Movin' on to marriage, in India, esp. in Kashmir a very important question arises, "Arrange or Love marriage" just for the sake of the argument, "karte to sab arrange hi hain" (at the end of the day most of us prefer arrange marriages). Honestly i have so many things on mind right now that i don't know where to start, what to say. If you ask me i'd say "love after arrange" or "arrange after love" either works for me but does that happen, easy to say, difficult to happen. It's hard to find pure true unconditional love, yeah the movies are gettin' to me right, but i used to b'lieve in selfless love once.

So what are arrange marriages? When some uncle/aunty in their relation or friends circle arranges a good earnin' "khaandani"(from a good reputed family) groom/bride for their daughter/son. Not only uncles or aunties, we have special mediators known as "manzimyor" who has no idea about a certain family, keeps braggin' about 'em anyway, gets paid for no reason at all. Mostly, parents don't care about the compatibility of the individuals who actually have to spend their rest of life together, as for them it really isn't a big issue, the real big issue is families should match. One thing they make sure is that each individual should be a complete stranger to other, so while their children would just be figurin' out who how why and what's goin' on, viola they'll be engaged. Sometimes, its good, good surprizes, less you know about each other, the more you can know in the later part of your life, no borin', topic-less conversations. But sometimes, it turns out to be disastrous and you think you were better off alone. Your thinkin' doesn't match, your choices are too different, you arguements/discussions never end or worse you don't fall in love eventually, instead hatred begins to develop in later stages where you cannot even stand each other.

Movin' on to Love Marriages or say Choice Marriage, as the name suggests it's based on the choice of each individual, considered immoral, sometimes totally unacceptable by "society". I don't really get it, though, if parents choose some stranger for their child to marry, why can't they choose on their own. This way they'll know who how why and what's goin' on in their life before it's too late. Love marriage is a type where people get involved in relationships, promise to get married and finally they do. They know almost everythin' about each other, can handle the different choices(if some), they have an understandin' from the beginnin', can talk about everythin' and nothin' at all without gettin' uncomfortable. They stand by their partner, through sickness and in health(do they really, i highly doubt it). Personally, i don't think pure true unconditional love exists, and there is no guarantee in love marriages either, like about the hatred part, some people grow out of love eventually and one really can know another person when they live together. On a lighter note there's a well-known sayin' about love marriages "a known bhoot is better than an unknown ghost"

And so what did we conclude? Love or Arrange Marriage are both fine, a lil' bit of luck, and a bit compromise and not to expect too much from your future partner, would work just smooth. It's just a wrong notion that either of 'em is better than the other. "If you ask me, i wanted to fall in love with a person who loved me more, but i'd do nothin' about it, and pray that magically somehow somewhere that person and i get married". Guess my friend was right, i do live in a fairy tale world, ( i would prefer "Harry Potter" world ;). Marriage is a scary business, the thought of spendin' the rest of your life with someone is overwhelmin', although you can hope and pray for things to ease out. 



Note : Also please do check out the video about how arrange marriages are arranged in our society and have a lil' laugh :D What is an arrange marriage?


Monday, June 30, 2014

FIFA then and my LIFE now !!!

Four years ago, i never would've imagined my life as the way it is now, well who could have guessed. Everythin' that you dream of ever doesn't really happen, not everytime, so you gotta dream less i think. Expect less and get surprized by more, thats a fact which i am goin to prove wrong in the later part. Talk about FIFA World Cup i remember the last FIFA World Cup and last to last i.e. 8 years ago. I has just finished my class 12th (Higher Secondry) exams and was sort of preparin' for my AIEEE, well more like enjoyin' than studyin'. This thing i always hated in myself, after my pre-board exams i never took my studies seriously. Playin' with my career then and regrettin' about it now, yeah i know that i can do nothin' about that now. So where was i, yeah FIFA World Cup, i remember watchin' every match on national TV,  from openin' ceremony to closin', we didn't have cable/dish connection then (studies are more important). I remember Zidane head-buttin' an Italian player Materazzi, Zidane who retired after that World Cup i ended up likin' him ;) Although Germany was my fav. team, so many cute player ;) ;) But apart from cute players, i learned a lot about football back then, you know "technically". I had a dream of becomin' a sports journalist sometime so i wanted to be a know-it-all in sports so it would help me build up my future, well, so much for my stupid dreams *sigh*. So, the FIFA World Cup was over, and i switched from school to college. In the beginnin' college life sucked, i missed my school life, my friends, but then i made new friends, learned how to have fun, got used to the uniform eh. And days passed by, years, until the next FIFA World Cup which happened when i was pursuin' my masters(in the college of my nightmares) remember. This time it was altogether a different FIFA World Cup, there was paul the octopus, who died after sometime, strikes in Kashmir, addiction to facebook, makin my friends sing the FIFA World Cup songs. Gosh, it feels like yesterday when we were singin' to the tunes of "wavin' flag" by "K'naan" and goin' "waka waka africa", such hell of a disastrous "sur" that came out as a result. The time went by but the music remained in all our hearts, and i am sure if one of my rockin' friends still listen to that music sometime, it would bring back all the memories as it were just yesterday, we were so young energetic carefree and full of gratification. Now years have passed and FIFA World Cup is here again, but it's not the same anymore, i am not the same person and so isn't my life. I haven't watched a single match since its start, not even the openin' ceremony. Gone through various ups and downs, good as well as harsh experiences, it's just a matter of time when i'll go completely insane. Reality strikes you worse than lightnin', and you come to know everythin' you ever dreamt of were just dreams, like those fairy tales, or say castles in the air. Apart from my melodrama, and things from the past, it strikes me as odd that how much i have changed as a person. My rules, my principles, i don't follow no more. I have been on a constant drive to be unhappy for the rest of my life. So does the FIFA World Cup matter to me anymore? 


"Give me freedom, give me fire, give me reason, take me higher " -- K'Naan